He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a fellow man and as a brother in the Lord. — Philemon 16
DURING OUR YEARS IN SEOUL, FAMILY took on new and deeper meanings for us. When I say, us I mean not only my wife and I but our children as well. Two days after our youngest graduated from high school, we boarded a plane for South Korea. For twelve years, we lived our lives, for the most part, separated from one another. Our daughters attended different colleges, and our son joined the Marine Corps.
You might think this kind of separate and often lonely existence would lead to greater emotional distances between us - just the opposite. We grew closer. For years, our children spent Thanksgiving together. Georgia, New York, North Carolina, and Louisiana; wherever they needed to go. and whatever they needed to do to get there, the three of them did it. There were also visits to Seoul, and, of course, Mom and Dad, and the entire family, was together during many Christmas and Summer holidays. Our time together was precious, and none of us took it for granted. During those years, we learned how to open our hearts to one another as never before. As a pastor for thirty-six years, I can tell you this is rare in many families, including those of ministers.
What makes for healthy families? A growing emotional maturity leading to a greater self-awareness of ourselves is one thing. This self-awareness allows us to be more open and vulnerable with others. As we learn to accept ourselves for who we are, we learn to accept others for who they are.
The other thing that makes for healthy families is our ability to give others room to make choices for good or bad. This doesn’t mean we never give advice or share our opinions. It does mean, however, that in the end, the choice is left to the individual. Too often, believing our actions are in the best interest of others, we try to force a decision in line with our expectations, opinions, or beliefs. This often, if not always, backfires, leaving a greater emotional distance between us and those we love. I speak not only for my wife and me but our children when I say we have learned to give each other freedom to choose - even when we think the choice made will turn out badly.1
Paul is giving that freedom to Philemon in this letter. Some believe Paul is applying subtle pressure on Philemon when he says things like, “I could be bold and order you what to do.” (Philemon 8) But as I said in the last chapter, I don’t believe that’s the case at all. If Philemon had not done as he requested, I think Paul would have let it go. Would he have been disappointed? Undoubtedly, but Paul knew that spiritual growth is not the result of outward pressure, rather the result of obedience that comes from the heart.
What Paul does do is appeal to Philemon to receive Onesimus back no longer as a slave but as a fellow human being and a brother in Christ. We’ll talk more about this later, but by casting Onesimus as a fellow human being, Paul is setting forth a divine truth found in the scriptures for doing away with slavery altogether. As one commentator says, “Paul effectively abolished the sting of the ‘master-slave’ relationship and laid the foundation for the eventual legal abolition of slavery.”2
To see Onesimus as a fellow human being is reason enough to receive his former slave back, but to receive Onesimus as a member of God’s family, a brother in Christ, appeals to Philemon’s deepest loyalties embedded in his culture as a Roman citizen. The family was considered sacred and of the highest value among Romans. It was not uncommon for household slaves to become family members. Often these slaves were declared freedpersons or liberti. But the love and relationship between these freed slaves and their former master and his family were such that they continued to serve as members of the family.
I think this is something we often miss when we read our New Testaments, but to speak of disciples of Jesus from various cultures and backgrounds as a family was something Romans could easily grasp. Onesimus was more than a runaway slave returning to his master. And whatever his status before he fled, he now returns as more than a family member as understood by Roman culture; he is a cherished member of God’s family, making him even dearer to Philemon.
Continued tomorrow.
Click here to learn more about Philemon: Reflections on Christian Maturity.
Thanks for reading.
In Christ,
Dan
I’m talking about adult children here, not minors in our household. However, even then, we should seek to cultivate this kind of decision-making whenever possible with our children.
David Guzik, 1 & 2 Timothy, Titus & Philemon, p.253.